If You Ask Me How I'm Doing, I Would Say I'm Doing Just Fine

Value. 

That is a really different word, because value is something assigned by others. We assign value to other things, we don't control the value of our own actions or behaviors. How well you do your Job isn't up to you,  and the level of influence you have on your kids isn't you decision--the value of this is co-constructed by those around us.

So what is my value? Is it based off my friends who care about me endlessly, but sometimes don't get me? Is it based off my family, who love me endlessly but don't know the real me? Is it the person I want to be friends with but writes me off for the way I look? How about the stranger who I hardly know but is effortlessly kind to me? 

All of these people make me feel a certain way, some of them make me feel better than others but all of them make me feel. Lately I have found that a lot of people are making me feel as if I exist in a manner with little value. Friends who don't understand what true support it, family that isn't on my side, and others that see me as nothing but a bother. As far as I am concerned, based on this information, I have little value. 

Wrong. All of it. The idea that others assign value. The way people make me or others feel. All of this is wrong. 

It is all up to me. I am in charge of how I feel. I give myself self worth. So what if you were shot down by the one you like or a potential friend judges your appearance and writes you off. That is not what you defines who you are. Missed opportunities and negative interactions having nothing to do with your value. There are millions of people on this planet, and I am not friends with nearly all of them. The tiny amount that I am friends with, they have millions of actions and I am not aware of most of them so I need to take what I know is true, good and honest and use that. Use it to make meaning for myself. Meaning of our friendship. Meaning of my life. 

Well, I can't say I am sure that this made sense. As I wrote and re-wrote this several times, but I know that I said what I wanted to say and that is all I need. Just remember, people are more than a nice jaw line, a small waist and nice clothes. If you can't see past that and give value to yourself and others...you are doing it wrong. 

Tears Don't Mean Your Losing, Everybody's Bruising There's Nothing Wrong With Who You Are

Boy....it's been ages since I last wrote here. Each day I think about it though. I think part of the reason why I had a lot of trouble writing here is because as a person I have grown so much. Don't get me wrong everything I've said and believed is still valid but I think I have a new, more aged outlook.

Looking back and reading some of my old posts its obvious to me that since day one my passions have not changed. I care about people. I think the most wonderful thing about our society is all the means we have to express to one another the care and appreciation we have for one another. Yet, some of those very same means, from Facebook to Religion, can be used to do just the opposite. Sometimes faith is a tool of oppression and exclusion, and social media is a weapon used to attack from a safe distance. Yet, even thought these things can be hard for us to swallow, and some people choose to use them against us--we need to refuse to let go of what belongs to us. What this means is no one persons prayers or tweets can remove you and your impact from this world.

I slip up a lot. I convince myself I am not worth it, and I stand in my own way.

Well that just isn't going to cut it anymore. We are all getting older, the world is calling us into adulthood. Our generation is coming into play, we are impacting the world and its time we make the difference we used to talk about in high school. All my time here at SLU I have met nothing but countless extraordinary people. Be it the boy who is fearless in his sexuality, or the girl who will stop at nothing to make the world know her love and care; I know that these people are destined for great things. Yet sometimes that upcoming test, or impeding awkward social interaction is enough to blind them of that.

Admittedly, the fact that I don't have many friends who identify as I do as well as the struggle I have with religion blinds me. Sure, I have so many people I can trust and a spirituality can be a few steps away but sexuality and faith require more of me. I am still searching for the tools I need to continue to grow. That's no excuse though, we need to use our past experiences as tools too. Sometimes I forget the people who care about me. I forget the purpose I am striving for. I even forget the love I have given out and the love I have known.

All it takes is a deep breath. A deep breath to tell yourself it's all going to be okay--and the you that you are right now...that is the right version of yourself. You'll get there, you will find the friends who can help your grow, and the connection you are looking for will come. The relationship you're striving, the dream you are chasing for  they are around the corner...but they are not going to come to you, you need round the corner and find them!

So I have my passion. I want to continue to extend my reach as far as I can and help inspire and impact as many as I can. Ask yourself, what is yours? What is standing in your way right now? In which way can you treat yourself better and move towards your dreams?

So if you are reading this, I appreciate it, and I want you to know no matter your struggles you are never alone. Sometimes people are with you even if you don't realize it. So keep at it, ask for help, and be proud.

You truly are amazing.

Forever Young. I Want To Be Forever Young

Sigh, have you ever gotten the feeling that life is rushing by and your just sitting in a hole in your couch? In all honesty that feeling overcomes me entirely too often, I look at the circumstance around me and wish I could do more (or be more). Needless to say this often ends in me being overcritical and judging myself. I always want more out of life than I have but feel as though I don't have the means to get it.

I need to work on perspective.

What is significant to you? [Chew on that for a second] Now think, what is it that really means something to you? Is it family? alone time? money? time? friends? It doesn't matter what you value, but rather why you value. Once you get to the core of that, you can make good use of your life. Let's say money is the most significant thing in your life; why might that be the case? I would venture to say that aside from greed (which isn't a great answer everyone) it would be to live comfortably and support the once you care for. If that's the case then clearly you value the stability and safety of those around...so apply that to your everyday life right now. You may not be able to make 100k within the next school year, but you can go out of your way to help stabilize a friend or a family member--you might surprised how good this makes you feel.

Okay lets try another scenario: what if time is what you hold dearest to your heart, you love to have moments to spend doing the most carefree and simplistic activities. You value laying under a tree watching the stars and reflecting on life...okay sure,but just to make sure I sound like a curious 4th grader I'll ask it one more time; why? Well odds are you are a thinker, a lot of gears are always turning in your head making thoughts but it doesn't seem like they often escape your lips. Someone like you values outlook and intellect, you get great comfort from reflecting on ideas and coming up with solutions and new ideas. Now at this moment you may not be able to write the next big theory of Philosophy, but maybe you can find happiness in fighting for a cause you understand--go out and let the world know how to turns the gears in their heads!

Okay so I started to sound a bit like a horoscope there for a while but the point is there, we all have our hopes and our wants for life and we need to take active steps toward them, but that does not mean we should let the time we have now pass us with little to show for it! So I'm saying while your young go out and do something that's worth remembering and realize your life is meant to go down many paths so don't be afraid if every once in a while you miss a turn...

I Try Twice As Hard And I'm Half As Liked

Some one person once said "the grass is always greener on the other side" and then about 4 billion people repeated it since then...I have to admit though, this guy must really have known what he was talking about because it seems like no matter where we are there is always somewhere better to be. I mean think about it, do you know a single person who doesn't h ave any aspirations left? Or even who loves every aspect of their life? It seems like we always need something else to be truly happy, no one ever gets to a point in life where they can say "okay I am done, I don't want anything else from life...everything is perfect as is."

This isn't something that is ever gonna go away, it's human nature to want more. We get used to the situation we have and then those blessings aren't enough to satisfy us anymore. But just because society isn't changing doesn't mean you can't! And I mean that in more ways than you think, sure I can tell you "there are people in third world countries starving, so be happy you have access to instant McDonalds" or whatever. That isn't enough, yes you should be thankful for that, but take it a step further and stop worrying about the shape of your  thighs or the size of you nose. Even the most "beautiful" people in the world can find something about themselves they don't like, but it takes a truly beautiful person to take that part of themselves and truly own it. You may hate your smile, but what about all the parts of you that you love? This shouldn't stop at appearance: so what if one girl called you something mean? What about your best friend sitting next to you telling you that you are the best damn thing to ever happen to her?

I guess I am stating the obvious here, we let the negative bother us more than we allow ourselves celebrate the positive. Yet it confuses me that we never ever really celebrate the positive, one let down stays with me for a day and yet a compliment flutters away moments after I hear it. I say that it's time you look yourself in the eye and say that you did it! There are countless movies/TV shows/Books about the underdog coming out on top and defying all odds and we all wish that was us...well it is! I may not be Elle Woods and I may not have gotten into law school and graduated top of my class...but I did manage to come out of the semester with a kick ass GPA. It's a small victory, but I did it!

It's time we stop admire other people lawns, and we break out our own hypothetical lawn mowers and make our lives just a tad bit greener! Celebrate that which you already have and strive for happiness and nothing more. If you are gonna let one loss get you down, make it a promise to make all the successes build you up. Don't wait for it to happen, make it happen!

I'm Trading My Sorrows, I'm Trading My Pain

Every once in a while an event comes along in your life that you just do not know how to deal with. Today was that day for me. Without going into details, security services said I was "the victim of a hate crime", and that is basically true...but its one of many things that I am and one of many things I plan to never let define me. Some awful word was carved into my things and some terrible words were said from behind a hidden phone number. I can't lie and say it wasn't upsetting or even disappointing, because it was, yet that wasn't all it was though; it was enlightening too. This individual wanted something from me, they wanted to see me upset and angry and they wanted to see me hurt...Why? I could give them so much more, I have countless other things to offer. As I munch on that thought it occurred to me sometimes life gives us things in the most mysterious ways. For all I know a calm response from me can be enough to prove to this person that they are in the wrong. What I am saying is that sometimes our eyes can't see what our hearts can feel. 

Whether you believe in God or not, there is a fine print somewhere in the contract of life that says "what goes around comes around" and I personally like to think God is the one making the circles. While this situation may be trying and difficult now, it will give me the strength to encourage others to be courageous in the future. While the person behind the harsh words may be cold and hard now, God may be sending him down this path so he can one day stumble down the right path. 

Recently I have been sharing this story like it was my job, and so one more time can't hurt:

A friend of mine told me that God is like a Sheppard, and when a sheep used to stray from the flock back in the day the sheppard would have to get it back on track. To do this the sheppard would break the sheep's leg and carry it until it had healed so it learned to trust its master and follow the path it set for him. In this same fashion sometimes God "breaks our legs" and takes us down a path we might not have seen coming so that we can one day walk the path he always wanted us to. 

I guess what I am saying in all this is that sometimes life just happens, and you can get knocked down and stay there or you can pick up the pieces and realize that there are a thousand other reasons to be happy. Religious or not, you are loved loving and loveable and the more you come to know this the better off you'll be. No matter who you are and no matter what you've done I hope you one day find a happy and moral life. Be kind to each other everyone, we don't live long enough to do otherwise. 

If This World Makes You Crazy And You've Taken All You Can Bear, You Call Me Up Cause You Know I'll Be There

Coming into college my faith life was strong, heck it was more than strong it was relentless. My faith was every part of me, it defined how I viewed everything in my life from friends to career choices and everything in-between. Don't get me wrong this hasn't and will not change, but my understanding of it has change significantly. I believed that since I has grown so much in my faith in high school, college faith would be a cake walk. At first it was, I looked for places on campus to talk about my faith or even place to just interact with people who held similar beliefs. That worked perfectly I not only kept a strong faith, but it grew, it grew so much that I even decided to go through the RCIA process (but that's a whole other sack of potatoes). I got used to this, my faith life had peaked in my mind, I was on top of the proverbial mountain of faith and I thought that would never go away. But alas, I got too comfortable and I let it slowly slip from me...and as it slowly fell between my fingers I began to secretly freak out. What could I do? Where did I go wrong? How do I fix this? Well the answers were not easy to come by, and soon I found my self losing the motivation to even go to anything religiously affiliated. All the stress surrounding my faith life was enough to make me want to just run away, it was enough to make me want to drop everything and take my life in another direction.

To drop everything and take my life in another direction.

That sounded familiar, the apostles. Jesus called them and they dropped everything and followed him as fishers of men. They went out and spoke with others helping to mold and craft the word of the Lord. As these thoughts flooded my mind, I remembered my faith, I remembered what it meant to be a man of God and I knew how to climb the mountain again.

God can not be fully comprehended by man, it is simply beyond our brains biological capabilities. Yet, that is exactly why we have faith; trust in something that can never be 100% certain. If you find this hard to grasp then imagine this: there are creatures under the sea with the capability to see several more colors than the human eye. This means that they can see entirely new colors, not just deeper shades but new colors entirely. Can you imagine a new color? Not really, but you know what it would be like...In the same way you may not be able to imagine God entirely, but I assure you we have been given enough to understand what He is like and that He truly does love us. Moreover, this obscured understanding of God requires us to constantly explore and deepen our faith. This is where I fell short, I believed I reached my peak and as a result the next steps I took only took me back down the mountain.

For us to be strong in our faith then we must go out and actually be fishers of men, we must go out into the world and share our faith with each other because together we will come to greater and more complete understandings. Our faith is infinite, we must always continue to explore it within ourselves and through each other; otherwise our love for God will fall through the cracks.

God is like a best friend on the other side of the world, even if you don't talk to Him for days, months, or years, the next time you call them it'll seem like no time has passed. So do yourself and God a favor, and keep the connection strong...God knows you better than anyone else so it is worth keeping in touch.

I Will Do Things I Never Thought I Would Do But Always Kinda Wanted To

I will.

-Those are some powerful words--in fact anything of that nature that expresses certainty is powerful and not to mention frightening. One of the hardest things to do now days is to be sure, our vocabulary is riddled with words and phrases like "I don't know" or "I guess" and "maybe". These words are just reflections of our fear of letting lose and growing, its a physical manifestation of our battle with the unknown. Nothing is more intimidating than the unknown, but you know...thats a funny thought. In the past when we were young, in another life, the unknown was what we dreamed of. We ran around with capes on our necks and explored the depths of our neighbors back yards and that was pure bliss. When it came to dinner time a plate of pasta was less than exciting but intergalactic macaroni--now that was a dish!! Anything new or unheard of was exciting and riveting and yet sadly that slipped world away between our fingers. Why? Well it's simple, we made a life for ourselves. The world called on us to be more mature and so we found a group of friends, we got a job, and we went to school and that was that. I am telling you that all this is simply not enough, do not settle for ordinary when frankly you are extraordinary--ordinary should be the new outstanding.

Devote yourself to more. I am in no way saying abandon what you have, no in fact do the opposite hold onto it forever and cherish it because that is your blessing. But don't let this be the end keep pushing because our lives have no script, nowhere is it written the path we must take so forge on! You may have made it, you may be on the way to the exact life you want but I am telling you to go above and beyond. You only get one life so why not do all you can with it? But that's not the first time you have heard that...everyone says "chase your dreams" "never give up" etc. I'm here to take it to the next step.

Dream those dreams you have never dreamt before, explore the ideas you are afraid to explore, challenge the thoughts you thought you might never challenge. Speaking from experience, quit dodging bullets and put your cape back on; cause if you're a superhero those bullets will just bounce off. Finish the war underneath your skin. Give yourself the will to tackle the unknown the challenging and the frightening. After all every part of you is there, every dream you dream is there, in your skin and on your cape you just need to recognize it--you just need to say you will.